Laziness

I am lazy and it's all a doctors fault.

When I was nearly 30 and pregnant with my youngest, I read an article in the Parade magazine about Hemochromatosis and (self) diagnosed myself with this condition. I needed to get some blood work done anyway and asked the Dr. to include a test for this. My midwives came over to give me the news. My blood work came back with some abnormalities. The midwife had been informed to tell me that I was possibly facing a diagnosis of either breast cancer or leukemia and I needed to see an oncologist to find out.

The oncologist, in typical Dr. fashion, let me sit in the waiting room for an hour, then took me in his office and said "You have thalassemia and there is nothing you can do. You will just always be tired". Hallelujah! I let his words soak into my soul. I was pregnant and this was a wonderful excuse to sit around and let others wait on me.

Nearly 20 years after this diagnosis I can look back and see how damaging this attitude has been. I let it steal my vigor and used it as an excuse to sit on the sidelines of life. Thalassemia is a form of anemia where iron is produced but not released into my blood. Because of this I am tired, but, and this is a big but, I was not always this way. I was a normal child and teenager. I walked, ran, and rode horses all over the place. As an adult I took Jazzercise classes, lifted weights, played with my kids, and lived a normal life until this diagnosis.

My question is this... why can I so easily adopt this attitude, but now have to fight so hard try to change it?

Proverbs 10:26
Like vinegar to the teeth and smoke to the eyes,So is the lazy one to those who send him.

Proverbs 15:19
The way of the lazy is as a hedge of thorns,But the path of the upright is a highway.

Who am I?

I have been sitting here for more than half an hour staring at this screen. The questions going through my head are these...Why are you doing this? Why are you putting yourself out there? Why do you think anyone is going to want to read what you have to say?

Here are the answers...I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! But the little voices in my head are driving me crazy and they want to be heard I guess so they are forcing my hand in this issue. I shall give them a voice and then maybe they will give me some peace. One can only pray!

So, who am I? I am a single mother of 3 living children, grandmother to 3 boys and one on the way. I have been divorced for about 12 years and have made only 2 tiny attempts at dating in all that time, and those have been w/in the last year, and were disasters.

I am about 100 pounds overweight, have diabetes, thalassemia, and suffer from depression and fear of rejection. I have had 2 husbands, 2 divorces, 2 abortions and have buried 2 babies. I was raised by loving hippie parents and molested as a child. I was this close to being abducted as a 3 year old and I was witness to husband no. 1 trying to kill himself in front of me. I have attended 17 different schools and I am living in house # 56 and it is in foreclosure.

This just means that I have a lot of fodder for this blog doesn't it?

Mostly, I am a Christian who tries to remember that I am the daughter of a loving King who is bigger than any of the issues listed above.

I came across this the other day and loved it.

Look back and thank God
Look forward and trust God
Look around and serve God
Look within and find God
author unknown (by me)

I think I will go do just that right now.